


Tennessee Outreach for Spider-Man (and friends)

by ciaconnaa



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: But Pre Infinity War, Gen, Post Spider-Man Homecoming, told through emails and texts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-09-30 22:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17232704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciaconnaa/pseuds/ciaconnaa
Summary: To: keenharleyFrom: tstarkI’m regretting this offer already.But anyway, I’m the one that upgraded Spidey from pajamas to multi-million dollar spandex. It’s been good for him, but it’s not something he’s used to and that, combined with his occasional dumbassery, breaks or rips my hard work. The main source of his upkeep is his webs. And he's been busy. Needs some extra hands. That’s where you come in. I’ve sent over basic schematics of his suit and his web-shooters. It won’t run on Windows XP, so you might have to go to a library.To:tstarkFrom: keenharleyI hate you. Also, we don't have a library so jokes on youor;in an attempt to help Harley beef up his college apps, Tony offers Harley a remote Stark Industries internship to help Spider-Man. It easily becomes his worst nightmare





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *shurgs*

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: miss me?

Not that your straight A’s aren’t impressive, but your lack of AP classes are not gonna get you into some place like MIT. I’ve got some project for you to work on to beef up that school resume

Tony

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: absolutely not

I’m??? Five years of radio silence and suddenly you want to be a guidance counselor. The Accords really changed you.

And FYFI, I _have_ taken AP classes, they’re just not on my transcript because I have to take them online. It might be hard to believe, but there aren’t many AP classes offered when you live in the middle of Bumfuck, Tennessee like I do.

What’s the project. Because I’m so over the retro reflective panels. I’m not sure you know the meaning of stealth.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: you’re mean

Much like New York, I’d advise you not to bring up the Accords again.

You’re really slowing me down here. Send a list of what you’ve taken with your scores so I can see if you’re still up to bat for this project.

PS: I’m stealthy.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: you’re annoying

[2 attachments]

I’m sure you could have just hacked some database like you did for my email. Now you’re the one slowing me down about this project. What _is_ it.

PS: you’re really not

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: [none]

I didn’t hack anything. It’s on your facebook profile. Which, I can’t believe you still have an active facebook profile. C’mon, Keener.

Also I am so sorry. If you’ve already taken the BC calculus exam I can’t imagine how bored you are. What _is_ it that you do down there?

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: [none]

Just because I live in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I have friends. I do stuff. Fix farm equipment and cars and whatever else breaks here. We also just got a Pizza Hut three months ago and guess who’s their new delivery boy.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: I hate you

Please tell me you do not deliver smelly pizzas in the pristine, vintage, mustang with a custom!!!! paint job!!!! I bought you.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: I know

:D

Okay but for real, tell me about this project or any other emails you send me will forever go straight to spam

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: and to think I was gonna pay for your college tuition

You would never. But you’re right.

Ever heard of Spider-Man?

 

* * *

 

 **harleyquinoa:** mom real quick before your shift starts: who is spider-man

 

 **katiecat** : ???? a man made of spiders? I don’t know, baby

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** omg harley how do you not know who spider-man is

 

 **harleyquinoa:** I believe I was specifically asking MOM

 **harleyquinoa** : but wait ariel for real tell me

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** he’s a superhero!!!

 **thetempestmermaid** : [link]

 

 **harleyquinoa** : damn. man caught a whole bus with his hands

 **harleyquinoa** : wait what the heck where are the spiders???

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : he shoots webs to swing and like,,,catch bad guys

 **thetempestmermaid:** you know, like spiders

 

 **harleyquinoa** : spiders don’t catch bad guys pay more attention in bio

 **harleyquinoa:** also is he wearing sweatpants

 **harleyquinoa** : this man calls himself a hero and he’s wearing sweatpants

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : not anymore he got an upgrade

 **thetempestmermaid:** [link]

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ohhhhh he was the dude in washington dc got it

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : I can’t believe u don’t know who he is he works with ironman!!!

 

 **harleyquinoa** : whaaaa, for real? no shit?

 

 **katiecat:** don’t swear where your sister can read it

 

 **harleyquinoa** : sorry

 

* * *

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: hah pay up $$$

Yeah, I’ve heard of him. You two sometimes work together in New York.

I’m starting to think this is like some sort of Manhattan Project. Have you reverted to your old, crooked, war-like ways. Do you need me to drive up to New York and hit you with some common sense via smelly mustang

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: it’s called The Queens Project, moron

[4 attachments]

I’m regretting this offer already. Stay away from me.

Right. Well, I’m the one that upgraded Spidey from pajamas to multi-million dollar spandex. It’s been good for him, but it’s not something he’s used to and that, combined with his occasional dumbassery, breaks or rips my hard work. The main source of his upkeep is his webs. And he's been busy. Needs some extra hands. That’s where you come in. I’ve sent over basic schematics of his suit and his web-shooters. It won’t run on Windows XP, so you might have to go to a library.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: how was I supposed to know you’d give it a dumb name

I hate you. Also, we don’t have a library, so jokes on you.

But for real, why do you need me for this? I looked over what you showed me and it seems like something you should be able to handle, if Spider-Man can’t. But then again, I just found out those webs don’t actually comes out of his hands.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: idiot

Why would they come out of his hands

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: takes one to know one

Omfg he sticks to walls and is freakishly strong!!! Aliens fell from a wormhole in New York!!! You managed to get engaged!!! The whole world is full of shit that doesn’t make sense.

I just don’t understand how I can be so helpful from so far away. I mean, the whole Iron Man suit and JARVIS thing was different. Kinda. I guess. Why me and why SPIDER-MAN.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: I want the car back you little shit.

Stop mentioning New York. But ignoring all that.

I told you. You need something else besides your boring-ass transcripts if you’re going to go to MIT. I only have so much pull, and that’s saying something considering I’m...well, I’m me.

And as for Spider-Man...he’s a lowkey superhero. He’s not even an Avenger, he’s too inexperienced. A youngin’, like you. He could use a new perspective. You're a perfect match.  I think you’ll do well with input on Peter’s webshooters

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: come and get it old man

MIT. hah.

But I mean sure, screw it, I’ll give as much input as needed. Plus, I guess Stark Industries intern won’t look so bad on college apps.

Wait, who’s Peter? Is that Spider-Man?

 

* * *

 

 **misterstark** : kid I fucked up

 

 **peterparkour** : omfg did you buy that gerhard richter

 **peterparkour:** i told you pepper would be pissed!!!!

 

 **misterstark:** i did but this is worse

 **misterstark:** remember that kid I was telling you about?? The one that lives in tennessee

 

 **peterparkour:** harley, right? he helped u with the mandarin

 **peterparkour** : which is so cool!!!!

 **peterparkour** : i have so many questions to ask him

 **peterparkour** : wait did you talk to him like you said u would?

 **peterparkour** : did you offer him the “internship”

 **peterparkour:** did he say no??? D:

 

 **misterstark:** I accidentally name dropped u while talking about helping spider-man

 **misterstark** : therefore implying

 **misterstark** : that you are

 

 **peterparkour** : :O

 **peterparkour** : mr. stark!!!!!!

 

 **misterstark:** don’t worry about it i can fix it

 

 **misterstark** : you’re about to get that stark company email u always wanted

 **misterstark:** kinda

 

 **peterparkour** : :D

 

* * *

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com

CC: <peterparker02@gmail.com>, <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: [none]

Harley,

Peter’s my personal, actual intern here. The only one Stark Industries has. He’s your age and he’s familiar with Spider-Man, but his workload has recently gotten a little hefty, so I thought it couldn’t hurt to bring someone else into the equation. He invented the web-fluid and gave it to Spider-Man. Spider-Man told me about it, now we’re one big happy family blah blah blah

You’re all CC’d so...Harley meet, Peter. Peter meet Harley. Spidey, meet the bozos. Have fun. I’ve got a long and overdo vacation to get to.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu

CC: <peterparker02@gmail.com>, <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: LIAR

omfg vacation from what?? miss potts is your CEO she does all the work

 

* * *

 

 **peterparkour** : omfg

 **peterparkour** : we’re gonna be great friends,,,, i can feel it

  
**misterstark:** that’s what im afraid of


	2. Chapter 2

**peterparkour** : sooooo

**peterparkour** : mr stark outed my identity 

 

**guyinthechair** : !!!!!!!!!!!

**guyinthechair** : does this mean I get to tell everyone at school????

 

**peterparkour:** absolutely! Not!

 

**guyinthechair** : but you said he outed you!!!!!

**guyinthechair** : i’d like to spam the school group server before the new york times steals my thunder

 

**peterparkour** : ned it’s not a big deal its just one (1) person

**peterparkour:** his other intern

**peterparkour:** or like, his actual intern

**peterparkour** : im not a real intern

**peterparkour** : i don’t think

 

**guyinthechair:** well who is this Other Intern

 

**peterparkour** : umm his name is Harley Keener

**peterparkour** : he lives in this really small town in tennessee

 

**guyinthechair** : okay hold on

**guyinthechair:** Got ‘Em

**guyinthechair** : he lives in rose hill, tn to be precise

**guyinthechair** : population: ur apartment complex 

**guyinthechair:** aww, he’s our age

**guyinthechair:** has a little sister

**guyinthechair:** he,,,spent the last summer filling in for the town’s mechanic 

**guyinthechair** : he drives a mustang

**guyinthechair:** vintage, very nice

**guyinthechair** : he also works for pizza hut omfg

**guyinthechair** : why did stark hire this dude???

 

**peterparkour** : how did you find all that shit on him so fast 

**peterparkour:** why aren’t YOU mr stark’s new intern

 

**guyinthechair:** right?????????

 

**peterparkour:** your sleuthing…..unmatched

 

**guyinthechair** : absolutely 

**guyinthechair:** but this time I just facebook stalked him

 

**peterparkour** : lol he uses facebook

**peterparkour** : we should friend him

 

**guyinthechair** : already done

**guyinthechair:** but for real, why did stark hire this guy as his intern?

 

**peterparkour:** oh!! 

**peterparkour:** it’s pretty wild but basically back when that whole mandarin thing happened 

**peterparkour:** mr stark crashed in his town after his suit flew him away from malibu

**peterparkour:** u know, after they bombed his house

**peterparkour:** and stark needed help and harley was there to help fix the suit and his AI

 

**guyinthechair** : whaaaaa that’s crazy

 

**peterparkour:** yeah he sounds pretty smart

 

**guyinthechair:** a fellow guy in the chair

**guyinthechair** : wait this guy isn’t gonna replace me is he

 

**peterparkour** : ??? never dude u know that

**peterparkour:** but he is gonna help with my suit and web shooters

**peterparkour:** and idk other stuff 

**peterparkour:** i haven’t talked to him yet

 

**guyinthechair** : bc he knows ur spiderman??

 

**peterparkour** : okay so

**peterparkour:** he doesn’t….exactly know im spiderman

 

**guyinthechair:** ugh 

**guyinthechair** : clickbait

 

**peterparkour:** no!!! It’s complicated!!! I  have to pretend im peter AND spiderman

 

**guyinthechair** : ????

**guyinthechair** : you are peter and spiderman

 

**peterparkour:** right but like I have to email him from two different accounts 

**peterparkour:** and pretend we’re different people

 

**guyinthechair** : peter

**guyinthechair:** you do that NOW

 

**peterparkour** : well!!!!

**peterparkour** : yeah

**peterparkour** : but this is different ok!!!

**peterparkour** : i have to pretend im like,,, an adult

**peterparkour:** like i have to talk to harley as spiderman….who he thinks is an adult

**peterparkour:** that pays taxes and stuff 

**peterparkour:** probably buys groceries

**peterparkour:** has their OWN Netflix account 

**peterparkour** : oh my god he probably has cable

 

**guyinthechair:** no one has cable anymore

 

**peterparkour** : spider-man is an Adult superhero now okay he has cable.

**peterparkour** : he watches The News

 

**guyinthechair** : gonna level with you

**guyinthechair** : this sounds pretty stupid

 

**peterparkour** : :(

 

**guyinthechair** : i mean, that doesn’t mean I’m not 100% behind the scam

**guyinthechair:** if u say spidey has cable, then spidey has cable

**guyinthechair** : im nothing if not loyal

 

**peterparkour:** :D

  
  
-  
  


 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: internship

Hey Peter

I have a few questions concerning the whole Spider-Man project. Tony kind of left me in the dark about the details. I’ll admit I don’t know a LOT about Spider-Man, he’s not really the talk of the town here so...does he prefer I relay to you when possible? I mean, Tony gave me his email but I don’t really know how to talk to him. Her? I assume him. Though, Spiderwoman doesn’t have the same snap to it, so I don’t know. Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is just a relative overview. This guy must be relatively new, he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page. 

Also like, why spiders. Black Widow had that gig kinda on lock down. Seems...a bit copy-cat.

Harley

  
-

 

**peterparkour** : ned we should make spider-man a wikipedia page

 

**guyinthechair:** can do here’s a rough draft

**guyinthechair** : Spider-Man, also known as Peter Parker, is just some punk from Queens. After allegedly being bit by a radioactive spider on a field trip, he decided that he’d fight crime in his pajamas until local Hero Tony Stark took pity on his ass and made him a Junior Avenger. Peter-Man can be found upstate at Avenger’s Weenie Hut Jr training facility in hopes of one day becoming a Tough Guy.

 

**peterparkour:** god.

**peterparkour** :  mj’s influence is cosmic

**peterparkour:** it knows no bounds

 

**guyinthechair:** she says “thank you”

**guyinthechair:** also, we have a flashless decathlon prep session at that hippy dippy coffee shop she loves so much

 

**peterparkour** : kool koffee? 

 

**guyinthechair** : no the other one

 

**peterparkour** : jojo's jitters??

 

**guyinthechair:** no like the OTHER one

 

**peterparkour:** omfg ur killing me

**peterparkour:**  Two Sugars?

 

**guyinthechair** : ah! bingo

**guyinthechair** : so hang up ur spandex and don’t be late

 

**peterparkour:** i just gotta answer harley and I’ll be there!

  
-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

Subject: internship

Heya Harley! 

Yeah, Spidey’s pretty cool. I’ve only really met him a few times. He’s pretty hush hush about his real identity, I don’t know a lot about him, but he’s only a few years older than we are. Tony sent you the schematics for his webshooters right? We manufacture those for him, but he does everything else: the suit is designed to help him stick to surfaces, which he can do on his own. He also has super hearing, super-sight, super all the senses. There’s also the enhanced metabolism, super speed, and super strength. 

That’s...pretty much it! And yeah, he’d probably prefer if you just relayed everything to me. But if you ever have a direct question for him, feel free to shoot him an email about it, he won’t mind!

In terms of the internship, I’ll make sure Tony or Pepper get the right paperwork together for your pay, as well as anything you might need for your transcripts. As for everything else...it’s basically just you and me. Spidey’s the boss, Tony just pays for everything. I’ve been working on a web fluid formula that I can’t get right. I’ve done a few tests, but I didn’t video record for research purposes yet, but once I have that done, I’ll send you the file, and you tell me what you think? Thanks!

PS: He’s Spider-Man because he was bitten by a radioactive spider! I don’t think he had a choice haha

  
-  
  


**harleyquinoa** : ariel

**harleyquinoa** : peter says spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider 

 

**thetempestmermaid** : whaaaa????

**thetempestmermaid:** no no I don’t think that’s true

**thetempestmermaid** : he’s a mutant

 

**harleyquinoa** : like an x-men?

 

**thetempestmermaid** : I mean, sorta

**thetempestmermaid:** everyone says he’s the product of some weird government experiment gone terribly wrong

 

**harleyquinoa:** you’ve ventured into stranger things territory 

**harleyquinoa** : or I guess like

**harleyquinoa** : it could be like captain america?

 

**thetempestmermaid** : yeah I guess

**thetempestmermaid** : radioactive spider is a dUMB theory tho who thought that up

 

**harleyquinoa:** okay BUT that's what peter said and peter knows spiderman SO

 

**thetempestmermaid** : who is peter and how does he know him/?

 

**harleyquinoa:** he’s the stark intern I’m working with

 

**thetempestmermaid** : omg you were SERIOUS with that?

**thetempestmermaid** : I thought you were just messing with mom!!!! 

 

**harleyquinoa:** nope.

**harleyquinoa:** you are now looking at spiderman’s new right hand man

**harleyquinoa:** one of them

**harleyquinoa:** not that spiderman has two right arms

 

**thetempestmermaid:** i mean.

**thetempestmermaid:** he should have four. Four left, four right.

 

**harleyquinoa:** HAH

**harleyquinoa:** ooh, there’s an idea

 

**thetempestmermaid** : what

**thetempestmermaid** : ur gonna give him more aRMS?????

 

**harleyquinoa:** sorta. Like, in the suit.

**harleyquinoa** : idk it's in my head

**harleyquinoa** : I’ll have to email him about it

 

**thetempestmermaid:** YOU HAVE SPIDERMANS EMAIL????????????????????????????????????

 

**harleyquinoa** : I heard you squeal from the garage

**harleyquinoa** : and yes

 

**thetempestmermaid** : GIMME

 

**harleyquinoa** : sure!!!!

**harleyquinoa** : inyourdreams@absolutelynot.com

 

**thetempestmermaid:** omg

**thetempestmermaid:** just!!!!!! I’ll get get it from u eventually so just give it!!!

 

**harleyquinoa** : no 

 

**thetempestmermaid:** worst big brother EVER

**thetempestmermaid:** maybe peter will give it to me

**thetempestmermaid:** I’m gonna friend him on facebook

 

**harleyquinoa** : could you NOT bug my new co-worker

 

**thetempestmermaid:** co-worker. Get real.

**thetempestmermaid** : oooh, he’s cute!!!!!

 

**harleyquinoa:** oh my god

**harleyquinoa** : leave him ALONE

  
-  
  


To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: my menace of a sibling.

This isn’t really work related, but my little sister just friend you on facebook. If she’s annoying just block her. Send a virus to her computer. Have Stark nuke her phone, just do whatever I seriously don’t mind.

Sorry again

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

Subject: All Good!

I don’t mind! I already accepted :D

This whole internship doesn’t have to be so formal. You can email me or Spider-Man about whatever. I promise it’s fine

 

-

 

To: <spiderman@starkindustries@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: radioactive spiders

Hey, sorry for the lack of introduction but I just gotta know: Peter said you were bitten by a radioactive spider and that’s how you got your powers which sounds….ridiculous? I don’t know, at least more ridiculous than the other theories. Anyway, just let me know, if that’s possible.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

Subject: radioactive spiders are REAL

Yeah, unfortunately, the radioactive spiders are the real deal. How they got the spiders to be radioactive is a mystery to me, but there was definitely a random spider bite in a high tech lab, I’ll tell you that.

Just out of curiosity...what are the other theories?

 

-

 

To: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: I guess you’d know, huh

There’s a lot of theories. One is that you were born like that and you were a failed x-men recruit. Another is that you’re straight up an alien, that’s why you wear the mask. There’s another where they say you’re like….Captain America 2.0. Like, you’re a failed government mutated spy that was supposed to be Black Widow’s partner.  That one’s pretty good, they say you committed to the spidersona because you’re secretly in love with her.

Now that I type that all out, radioactive spider sounds a lot less crazy after all.

Thanks

  
-

 

**peterparkour:** ned

**peterparkour:** maybe that wiki page isn’t such a bad idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is so fucking stupid jfnhksjghjhg I can't believe this is what I'm bringing to the table in 2019.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is STILL dumb as hell but here you go

**emjay** : [link]

**emjay** : ned what in fucks name have you done to poor peter

 

**peterparkour:** SGKSLKGHSLKGHSLDHGS

 

**guyinthechair:** what??? Peter said he wanted his own wiki page

 

**peterparkour** : NOOOO YOU USED THE PHOTO OF ME COMING OUT OF THE PORTA POTTY AS MY PROF PIC

**peterparkour** : toilet paper on my foot

**peterparkour** : ned. how could you

 

**guyinthechair:** hehehehe

 

**emjay:** high art

**emjay:** couture

**emjay:** put it in the moma

 

**peterparkour:** AGE RANGE:

**peterparkour:** 12-35!!!!!!!!!!!/?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**peterparkour:** N E D

 

**guyinthechair:** im protecting ur identity??

**guyinthechair** : ur welcome???

 

**emjay** : I can’t decide what’s funniest: the origin story that says you fashioned your spider suit after the “its Wednesday my dudes” spider enthusiast, the part where it says you have a talking magical spider as a sidekick, or that the fake birthday that Ned gave you makes you a scorpio

 

**peterparkour:** okay DRON-E can’t TALK but he’s my sidekick and I Love Him

 

**guyinthechair** : I thought Karen was your sidekick

 

**peterparkour** : Karen is too important to be labeled a sidekick

**peterparkour** : also

**peterparkour** : I SHOULD be a scorpio

**peterparkour:** #arachnid vibes

 

**guyinthechair** : too easy

**guyinthechair:** hence why it made the wiki cut

**guyinthechair:** I hope harley approves

 

**emjay** : who’s harley

 

**peterparkour:** stark intern

**peterparkour:** we’re working on a new spidey suit!!!!!

 

**guyinthechair** : :O

**guyinthechair** : when were you gonna tell me???

 

**peterparkour:** relax it’s just ideas for now

**peterparkour:** I’ll send you the specs!!!

**peterparkour:** (it’s a stealth suit)

**peterparkour:** ssshhh

 

**emjay:** and what about you

**emjay** : is capable of stealth

 

**peterparkour:** spiders are sneaky!!!!!

 

**emjay:** black widow is sneaky

**emjay** : you?

**emjay** : I figured out your identity

**emjay** : bc u lack said stealth

 

**guyinthechair** : omfg

**guyinthechair:** SPY-derman

 

**peterparkour:** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

**peterparkour:** put it in the wiki

 

**emjay** : u guys are ridiculous

 

* * *

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: Project Sneekeh

[4 attachments]

Okay, I think we’ve got a basic outline. I tried rendering the design but the program crashed my computer. So those attachments are drawings from my little sister. They’re actually pretty good (don’t tell her I said that) but the last one is her suggestion that she’s making me email you (she wants me to email SPIDERMAN but she’s reading over my shoulder and I refuse to give her the address) and I won’t lie, it involves a lot of black glitter. Like a lot. I told her glitter is not the epitome of stealth, but she insisted the sparkles would nauseate Spidey’s enemies so. I guess he can decide for himself when he goes fabric shopping at Joann’s.

Also, about Prototype 17:A? I got those specs awhile ago and I had a theoretical “idea”, but the nanotech is a little beyond me, could you help?

 

* * *

 

**peterparkour:** hey harley’s mentioning something about a prototype 17:A but I don’t remember anything with that name

 

**misterstark:** Iron Spider

 

**peterparkour** : the iron WHAT now

 

**misterstark:** Iron Spider

**misterstark:** remember when I offered you that spot in the Avengers and you turned me down

 

**peterparkour:** yeah…..

**peterparkour:** the Test

**peterparkour** : right???

 

**misterstark** : do you think, I, Tony Stark, would create a fake, unusable, mock-up suit just to punk you?

 

**peterparkour:** yes!!!!!

**peterparkour:** you have a lot of time on your hands

 

**misterstark** : okay fair

**misterstark:** but I didn’t do that

**misterstark** : that was a real suit

**misterstark** : top of the line nanotech

**misterstark:** peter I even matched the color schemes to mine to give it a team vibe

 

**peterparkour:** :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**peterparkour** : m a t c h y - m a t c h y

**peterparkour:** the suit was REAL?

 

**misterstark** : kid. Yes.

**misterstark:** the OFFER was real

 

**peterparkour:** sjgnkhjfghklhgs

**peterparkour** : DKGJKGHLKGHSLKJRA:JHGDIWS

 

**misterstark** : but you made the right decision, declining.

**misterstark:** very mature

 

**peterparkour:** maturity is OVERRATED

**peterparkour:** I wanna be an avenger

 

**misterstark:** too late offer temporarily retracted

**misterstark** : get into MIT then we’ll talk

 

**peterparkour:** well, can I still have the SUIT?

 

**misterstark** : sorry. It’s a club member perk

 

**peterparkour** : D:

 

* * *

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

Subject: It’s Project Spyderman now

Email Mr. Stark and ask him for a new computer he’ll totally give you one. Or five.

I think they look good!!!! Still iffy about the fingerless gloves, but I’ll make a mock up and see what Spidey thinks when he tries it on. Your sister is really good at drawing, wow. And don’t worry, I’ll pitch the glitter prototype before he goes fabric shopping. The glitter could be a good diversion, you never know!!!

I don’t know much about nanotech to be much help, I’d go straight to Mr. Stark for that.

But send Spidey the specs!!!! I’m not sure he has the newest ones and I can’t find them on my computer. He might want input, too.

  
-

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

CC: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: Iron Spider

[3 attachments]

I attached the Iron Spider specs for Spidey in case he needed them, I have a few ideas. My computer is essentially hooked up to a potato battery right now, these dumb rendering programs have crashed it countless times. Idk if they’ll get through.

I hope this isn’t like some surprise I’m ruining it or whatever. I mean, if it is, that’s fine. A day spent pissing off Tony Stark is always well spent.

Anyway. I think you should add legs to Spidey’s suit.

 

* * *

 

**peterparkour** : HAHA HARLEY SENT SPIDEY THE SPECS FOR THE SUIT >:D

**peterparkour:** MISTER STARK [B]LEASE LET ME HAVE IT ITS SO COOOOOOL

**peterparkour:** HE EVEN SAID HE HAS MORE IDEAS FOR IT HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY GET ANY COOLER!!! LEGS???? 

**peterparkour** : what does that MEAN I can't WAIT

 

**misterstark** : oh my god if I let you try it on this weekend will you shut the hell up

 

**peterparkour:** NO NEVER!!!!!!

**peterparkour:** BUT I ACCEPT THANK YOU MISTER STARK UR THE BEST I LOVE YOU

**peterparkour:** <3 <3 <3

 

**misterstark:** love you too, spider-brat

 

* * *

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: I can’t believe you dumbasses are making a stealth suit

Seriously? A stealth suit? Spidey isn’t a spy. Though, Spyderman is a pretty good pun Peter hasn’t stopped giggling about it.

But still, I’ll send Peter some samples of fabrics though for it. He’ll have Spidey test them and get back to you. I don’t think the glitter prototype is gonna cut it.

I’ll also send you a new computer, since yours sounds like it’s moments away to blowing up mandarin style. And a new phone. Both will be able to download, well, everything. It’s a nice upgrade.

Tell me about the legs for 17:A

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: your dumbassery > my dumbassery  

I dunno. Ariel’s really convincing. I think the glitter is a step up.

Okay, so, Spidey’s regular suit is made with that super light breathable synthetic fiber, which is great for swinging and shit. But the Iron Spider is designed for higher stakes fighting right? If you put in retractable “legs” that can come out and keep him grounded, it’ll give him better advantages on the ground, which he might need in a fight where he doesn’t always have such a high advantage or like….you know, skyscrapers.

Maybe make the legs a glitter metallic?

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: ‘swinging and shit’

Actually, that is a really good idea. The legs thing not the glitter, that’s dumb as hell. I’ll add them, maybe even have them in time for his next….fitting. Four, right? To make eight. Because you know. Spider

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: don’t fight the sparkle tony

Yes. Because Spider.

* * *

 

**thetempestmermaid:** hey spidey’s got a wiki now

**thetempestmermaid** : [link]

 

**harleyquinoa:** what the fuck

**harleyquinoa** : his birthday is november 11th too???????

 

**thetempestmermaid** : yeah i call bullcrap

**thetempestmermaid** : there’s no way spidey’s a scorpio

 

**harleyquinoa** : arachnid

**harleyquinoa** : fate

 

**thetempestmermaid** : okay but a water sign????

**thetempestmermaid:** get real

 

**harleyquinoa:** I regret buying you that astrology book for christmas

 

* * *

 

To: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: same hat

Hey, saw someone just updated your wikipedia page. Turns out we have the same birthday, pretty cool huh?

PS: hope you like the legs

 

* * *

 

**peterparkour:** ned I can’t believe u gave spidey harley’s birthday

 

**guyinthechair:** well!!! his facebook was up when I was making the wiki I had to pick something

 

**peterparkour** : don’t know how don’t know when but this wiki is gonna come back to bite me in the ass I can feel it

 

**guyinthechair** : nah that’s the spidey bite lingering

 

* * *

 

**misterstark:**  why did I just get a notification from FRIDAY telling me that Spiderman - Wiki is trending

**misterstark** : nationally.

 

**peterparkour:** ghkdhgkd

**peterparkour** : the ass has been BIT

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like obvs tony's smart enough to come up with the spidey legs on his own HELL it probably is why he made the iron spider in the first place BUT i need plot material. so. 
> 
> also yeah that stealth suit is THAT stealth suit. stealing that too. stealth suit my ass tho for real. the first time he tried to be sneaky he tased himself at that gas station parking lot lhjkghkfhgkd i love one spider disaster
> 
> uhhhh yeah. I can't believe im writing this. also I can't believe, officially, spiderman isn't even a scorpio it's a dumb pun. too easy. perfect comic material. cowards. 
> 
> ok im done for real now


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is still stupid

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject [none]

[1 attachment]

You better show up

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: for real?

Did you seriously just send me an invite to your wedding with an _electronic_ invitation? You run a fortune 500 company and you’re low on _stationary?_ I thought you had more class than this

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: fuck u

I run a clean energy fortune 500 company??? And what more, a tech company??? If my invites aren’t tech then I’m a fraud.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: you are a fraud

What if I don’t want to go

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: I will give you wine

You better show up anyway. I bought you a laptop specifically so you can download this high tech invitation

 

-

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: you’ve been sober since the mesozoic era this is a dry wedding

You bought me this laptop because I’m your stupid intern. Emphasis on the stupid. Also, I sincerely hope you aren’t counting on me to bring my sister as my +1

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: dry for me wet for you

It’s not like you can bring a cow, keener. This isn’t the sticks.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: don’t say it like that that’s GROSS

I hate you. I don’t know if I mentioned that? But I hate you. I mean, I’ll be there. I regret this whole….quote internship unquote and my existence, currently, in its entirety, but like I’ll be there. Ariel will be the most annoying +1 you’ve ever met and she will try to swipe the wine just to prove she can

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: my bad

[2 attachments]

Challenge accepted. The only thing her hands are getting on is sparkling apple juice.

Also let me know what you think about those specs.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: oh HELL no

Those aren’t specs those are napkin samples!!!! You already roped me into doing this fakey spiderman internship and now you want me to be your wedding planner? I won’t do it. At least, not without compensation. Cut the check or no opinion. Or save yourself some time and ask Peter.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: oh HELL yes

It's not fake this will get you into MIT. and it is literally just one thing. Pepper left me in charge of reception design and I can’t choose between cotton or chiffon. Just pick.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: cotton. Duh.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: interesting. explain.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: where’s the rope you used to reel me into this shit I want to hang myself with it

UGH fine okay why do I have to explain to you why chiffon is a bad material choice for napkins. It’s thin, it’s flimsy, it’s impractical. I wouldn’t use cotton either. Linen. Satin. A fucking polyester blend idk but don’t fucking use chiffon

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: no way you’re stuck with me bucko

Those aren’t the materials, those are the color choices idiot. Chiffon and cotton are shades of white. Debating on putting on  some red monograms, and if I do then I’ll have to send you more samples because you know. Contrasting.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: god i wish i never met you

Monograms? I’m sorry, is this a wedding or a fucking sorority. What is this wedding’s color scheme anyway. If it’s just a conglomerate of red and raspberries 1) congrats on being predictable as hell and 2) ...that’s it really. Also, can I just have your phone number if you’re going to bother me with this fucking nonsense all the time?

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: you adore me

If you can’t tell the difference between chiffon and cotton then the nuances are so gonna be lost on you but here’s the link to the pinterest page that peter’s made for it

Also, sure. I can text you my number. But do you REALLY want me to text you this stuff. Wedding’s not for a few more months. And I got a lot of opinions to solicit.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject:  I want to fight you

Oh my god I was right you already roped peter into this shit!!! And me!!!! What a disaster leave me alone but cut my a check for my troubles anyway.

You’re right. Email, as archaic as it is, is fine with me.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: that’s cute

Thought so. But hey, let me give Peter your number. He’ll add you to the wedding Group Chat. unlike you, he and his friends care very much about Pepper and I’s marriage.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: no. No no.

I don’t want!!!! To plan your wedding!!!! I already bug him enough about spiderman bullshit we’re not doing this!!!!!!

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: yes. Yes yes.

Too late. He added Ariel, too

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: this feels unconstitutional. Unethical, at the least

I know you did some techy shit to get my number but hers??? That’s low man

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: nevermind

She just flat out gave it to you didn’t she

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: [none]

Yuuuuuuup

 

 

* * *

 

 

**_Group Chat: Wedding Brigade_ **

 

**thetempestmermaid:** hi peter!!!! Hi peter’s friends!!!!

 

**guyinthechair** : heya!

 

**emjay:** yo

 

**peterparkour:** hi ariel! Are you excited to go to mr starks wedding?

 

**thetempestmermaid:** not really

**thetempestmermaid:** pity invites aren’t really my style

 

**peterparkour** : D:

 

**harleyquinoa:** ariel I will GLADLY go by myself I don’t need a +1

 

**thetempestmermaid:** what? no stark sent my own invite

 

**harleyquinoa** : jesus christ

**harleyquinoa** : you don’t have to go you know

 

**thetempestmermaid:** while it WOULD be a power move to not attend an avenger’s wedding after being invited

**thetempestmermaid:** ...it is an avengers wedding. I have to go

**thetempestmermaid:** even if I don’t have a +1 :(

 

**harleyquinoa** : ask mom

 

**thetempestmermaid** : but then that would be taking YOUR plus one

 

**harleyquinoa:** ….i know what you’re doing

 

**peterparkour** : you can be my date, ariel!!!!!!

 

**thetempestmermaid** : :D really???

 

**harleyquinoa** : oh god

**harleyquinoa:** and you've done it 

 

**peterparkour** : sure!

**peterparkour:** ned can take mj

 

**emjay:** I don’t want to go

 

**guyinthechair:** as ariel has pointed out, its an avengers wedding you can’t just??? Not go

 

**emjay:** fair

**emjay:** can I wear a team captain america t-shirt

 

**peterparkour:** no

 

**emjay** : can I wear a Oscorp > Stark Industries custom hoodie

 

**guyinthechair** : y e s

 

**peterparkour:** No!!!!!!!!

 

**guyinthechair:** it’s funny!

 

**emjay:** can I interrupt the wedding by ripping off my jacket to reveal a t-shirt that says: Pepper Potts Will You Marry Me

 

**harleyquinoa:** yes

 

**guyinthechair** : yes

 

**thetempestmermaid:** yes

 

**peterparkour** : yes

 

**emjay** : cool glad that’s settled

 

**peterparkour** : hey harley did you get a chance to check out the pinterest page?

 

**harleyquinoa** : regrettably

**harleyquinoa** : yes, I have looked at it

**harleyquinoa:** you know what he’s doing right

**harleyquinoa** : he’s making you plan the wedding so he doesn’t have to

 

**peterparkour:** that’s not true!

 

**emjay:** it’s probably true

 

**guyinthechair:** I don’t care if it’s true. Someone has to stop him from using vermilion embroidery on the table cloths

 

**peterparkour** : okay, right??? Carmine is the superior choice

 

**guyinthechair:** don’t get me started on the centerpieces they’re too high

**guyinthechair:** and just???? red roses. typical

 

**peterparkour:** I wanted him to take a more eclectic taste?? Like I showed him the cool lanterns I pinned but he said and I quote, ‘we’re not getting married during the revolutionary war’ so :(

 

**emjay:** i thought the lanterns were dope

 

**peterparkour:** tHANK YOU

**peterparkour** : I have good taste

 

**emjay:** I wouldn’t go so far as to say that

 

**peterparkour:** D:

 

**guyinthechair:** if we’re being honest, the color palette is too….rich

 

**emjay** : well stark is RICH

 

**harleyquinoa** : ba dum tisssss

 

**emjay** : ^^^^^ thank you

 

**guyinthechair** : ugh you know what I mean. I get that his design choice is basically like…’a hospital!!! but make it FASHION’...but no one wants that for a wedding. You can’t toss out a bland white palette, slap some red on it and just CALL IT A DAY when ur marrying pepper potts

 

**harleyquinoa** : oooh how about peppers in the centerpieces

 

**emjay** : ^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

**peterparkour** : sljghgjhfg

**peterparkour** : wild, but I think you’re on the right track

**peterparkour** : everything needs to be more personal.

**peterparkour:** s o f t if you will

 

**harleyquinoa:** arc reactors in the paul revere lanterns

 

**peterparkour** : /kdgDFHGFH FH

**peterparkour** : holy shit

 

**emjay** : sounds steampunk

 

**guyinthechair:** what would that even look like

 

**harleyquinoa** : I mean, likely a breach of national security

**harleyquinoa** : if they were real

**harleyquinoa** : right?

**harleyquinoa** : you can’t just put...desirable technological devices capable of charging weapons of mass destruction on a table of vermilion embroidered tablecloths

 

**peterparkour** : carmine

 

**guyinthechair** : carmine

 

**thetempestmermaid:** carmine

 

**emjay:** just use the knock off night lights they sell at Target

 

**guyinthechair:** wait they have those???

 

**emjay** : duh how have you not noticed peter has t h r e e in his apartment

 

**peterparkour** : in my defense there was definitely a ghost in the apartment when I was eight years old

 

**thetempestmermaid:** harley has one in the garage

 

**harleyquinoa:** ….yeah, that’s true

 

**guyinthechair** : I need to buy one

**guyinthechair** : damn there’s a ton of avenger themed ones

**guyinthechair:** cap shield, thor’s hammer, hulk’s fist

**guyinthechair** : how long do you think it’ll be before they make a spiderman one

 

**peterparkour:** probably never no one knows who he is

**peterparkour:** still gets called “spider-dude” out in the streets

 

**guyinthechair:** that’s not true

 

**harleyquinoa** : no it’s true I didn’t know who he was when stark told me about him

 

**peterparkour:** ^^^^^^^^^^^

**peterparkour:** really thought after that wiki debacle it’d get better

 

**harleyquinoa** : how’d that mess end up by the way

**harleyquinoa** : stark said it was bad press but I didn’t see….how

 

**peterparkour** : mr stark thinks any press is bad press for spidey

**peterparkour** : secret identity and all

**peterparkour:** made some buzz, but it’s pretty much died down

**peterparkour:** damage control really wasn’t that bad

**peterparkour:** aside from the black widow love affair rumor that sparked a buzzfeed article??

**peterparkour:** that one was rough to reign in

 

**thetempestmermaid** : hey do you think spiderman will be at the wedding????

**thetempestmermaid:** it’ll be fun if spiderman is at the wedding

 

**peterparkour** : nahhh :(

**peterparkour:** he’d have to show up in his mask for his identity and that’d be weird

 

**emjay:** and my pepper potts love proclamation t-shit won’t be?

 

**peterparkour** : t-shit

 

**harleyquinoa** : t-shit

 

**guyinthechair** : t-shit

 

**emjay:** I will shatter all of your knee caps

 

**peterparkour:** sexy

 

**guyinthechair** : i’m showing up in full lederhosen

 

**harleyquinoa:** I’ll do a kilt, provided I get to play the bagpipes when they go down the aisle

 

**thetempestmermaid:** better idea

**thetempestmermaid:** bc no one wants to see ur chicken legs

**thetempestmermaid** : SPIDEY shows up in a kilt and plays the bagpipes

 

**harleyquinoa** : can’t

**harleyquinoa:** mask

 

**thetempestmermaid:** spidey shows up in a toga and plays the harp

 

**harleyquinoa** : better. improved. but still missing something

 

**thetempestmermaid:** spidey shows up in overalls and a straw hat and plays the banjo

 

**harleyquinoa** : there we go

 

**guyinthechair** : gdgdKHNDLKJHDH

**guyinthechair** : oh my GOD

**guyinthechair:** that’s so funny

**guyinthechair** : fun fact did u know that spidey plays the tuba

 

**harleyquinoa** : what

 

**thetempestmermaid:** how do you know that????

 

**guyinthechair** : uhhhhhh

**guyinthechair:** he told me?

 

**thetempestmermaid:** u met spidey too!??????

**thetempestmermaid** : how???

 

**guyinthechair** : WELL………………..

 

**peterparkour** : spiderman saved him

**peterparkour:** ned walked straight out into the street without looking like a moron

**peterparkour:** almost got hit by a taxi

 

**thetempestmermaid** : did he swoop in on his webs and swing you to rooftop safety

 

**guyinthechair** : nah he just tugged me by the collar of my jacket

**guyinthechair:** he was at the street corner buying a meatball sub

 

**harleyquinoa** : oh

 

**thetempestmermaid:** spidey shows up in lederhosen and pays the tuba

 

**guyinthechair** : ^^^^^^^^^^

 

**emjay:** this conversation has really derailed

 

**peterparkour** : we can go back to talking about wedding centerpieces

 

**emjay:** no thanks

 

**harleyquinoa:** honestly soften the palette, change the white and red tablecloths to millennial pink, use pink roses orange tulips and red carnations. Baby’s breath as an accent. It’s not that hard

 

**peterparkour: :** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

**guyinthechair:** excuse me when does ur TLC special air

 

**harleyquinoa:** next spring

**harleyquinoa** : can we go back to talking about spiderman

 

**emjay:** spidey shows up in the stealth suit

**emjay** : btw does it still have glitter fabric

 

**harleyquinoa** : peter do u tell them everything

**harleyquinoa** : not judging just wondering how much I can #spill

 

**peterparkour:** oh yeah you can tell them everything

**peterparkour** : just them tho

**peterparkour** : and ariel too

 

**thetempestmermaid:** yah

 

**harleyquinoa:** oh cool

**harleyquinoa:** and yeah it does

 

**emjay** : not very stealthy

 

**harleyquinoa** : yeah I’ll probably have to change it

**harleyquinoa** : I can’t seem to get my active camouflage idea to work

**harleyquinoa** : but for now its very stylish

 

**peterparkour:** active!!!! camouflage!!!!!!

 

**harleyquinoa** : hell yeah

 

**guyinthechair:** okay for real what’s everyone wearing to the wedding because I have a feeling I need to buy a tom ford suit or just not bother showing up

 

**peterparkour** : honestly if you guys want custom suits just tell mr stark he loves dressing people up

 

**emjay** : even me

 

**peterparkour** : especially you holy shit

**peterparkour:** he’s been trying to get pepper to ditch her iconic pencil skirts for pants just ONCE for years

 

**emjay** : sweet deal i’ll send my measurements

**emjay** : i like black

**emjay** : stealth black

 

**harleyquinoa** : glitter suit

 

**emjay:** fuck off

 

**guyinthechair** : what’s pepper wearing????

 

**peterparkour** : she hasn’t show me anything yet but I think she’s going with a custom murad or an oscar de la renta

**peterparkour** : mermaid cut

 

**harleyquinoa:** don’t know what that means

**harleyquinoa:** but if she picks glitter over lace i’ll riot

 

**thetempestmermaid:** he DOES know what that means he watches say yes to the dress with mom all the time

 

**peterparkour:** it’s all good dude we’re all into it here that’s why mr stark wants our opinions

 

**harleyquinoa** : okay FINE

**harleyquinoa:** honestly.....a-line or bust

 

**guyinthechair:** preach

 

**harleyquinoa** : unpreach

**harleyquinoa** : i hate this don’t u see what he’s done

**harleyquinoa** : we’re gonna plan the whole wedding

**harleyquinoa** : as unpaid interns

 

**peterparkour** : but what fun

**peterparkour** : and think of the resume

 

**harleyquinoa** : MIT isn’t worth this

 

**peterparkour** : u want to go to MIT me t o o dude

**peterparkour** : u ned and I can be ROOMIES

 

**harleyquinoa** : yeah not worth it

**harleyquinoa:** but seriously spiderman needs to be at this wedding

 

**peterparkour** : he’s not gonna go dude i’m telling you

 

**harleyquinoa:** we’ll see about that

  
**peterparkour** : oh boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S T I L L stupid


	5. Chapter 5

_Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -_

 

 **peterparkour** : hey harley you work at pizza hut

 **peterparkour:** do u get a discount

 **peterparkour:** and can I apply it to a large hawaiian pizza delivery in queens

 

 **harleyquinoa:** dude I don’t pay I just...eat it

 

 **peterparkour:** you just take it/?

 **peterparkour:** omg you don’t like...steal a slice from the box before you deliver, right

 **peterparkour:** because that’s not cool man

 

 **harleyquinoa** : no I just make one, call it a goof, and eat it

 

 **peterparkour:** a wHOLE Pie?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** yeah

 **harleyquinoa** : stealing a slice from the box and trying to hide it sounds like a lot of physics that I’m not down for

 **harleyquinoa** : and honestly? It sounds impossible

 

 **peterparkour** : no, not impossible

 **peterparkour:** basically just...angles.

 **peterparkour** : trimming and cutting

 **peterparkour** : a pizza cutter is a must

 **peterparkour:** bet I could do it

 

 **harleyquinoa:** knock yourself out

 

 **peterparkour:** and on another note, how many pizzas do you actually deliver

 **peterparkour:** because rose hill sounds like it’s smaller than a macy’s department store

 **peterparkour** : oooh!!! is it like that episode of spongebob where they deliver pizza on a rock

 **peterparkour** : like the pioneers did

 

 **harleyquinoa:** it’s exactly like that episode of spongebob where they deliver pizza on a rock like the pioneers did

 

 **peterparkour** : the wild west sounds like a blast

 

 **harleyquinoa** : it’s tennessee not the oregon trail

 

 **peterparkour** : !!!!!1 I still have that game

 

 **harleyquinoa:** just gonna leave this wiki link...here

 **harleyquinoa:** [link]

 

 **peterparkour:** yes I’m aware it’s based on a historical event harley

 **peterparkour:** i still go to school

 

 **harleyquinoa:** just wanted to be sure

 **harleyquinoa:** u go to that fancy high school science school I didn’t know if they taught you about the obsolete

 **harleyquinoa** : the tech of ye olden days if you will

 **harleyquinoa** : like telegrams

 **harleyquinoa** : phonographs

 **harleyquinoa:** fax machines

 **harleyquinoa** : floppy disks

 **harleyquinoa** : faxes

 

 **peterparkour** : are you done

 

 **harleyquinoa:** not quite im still having fun

 **harleyquinoa:** dial up internet

 **harleyquinoa:** blockbuster

 **harleyquinoa** : windows 95

 

 **peterparkour:** ….

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ok im done

 **harleyquinoa:** anyway, if you want a super discounted pizza here’s a pro tip

 **harleyquinoa:** bill it to your SI credit card under a work expense

 **halreyquinoa** : free pizza for life

 

 **peterparkour:** what? No!

 **peterparkour** : that’s dishonest

 

 **harleyquinoa:** it is not

 **harleyquinoa:** gotta eat to live

 **harleyquinoa:** can’t help spidey if ur hungry

 **harleyquinoa** : its a necessary expense

 

 **peterparkour:** mr stark gets the bill every month he’ll know what im doing

 

 **harleyquinoa:** if you think for one second tony 1) reads his own bills and 2) cares that you bought a pizza on his dime, you’re A Moron

 **harleyquinoa:** which just can’t be true so just order ur disgusting sweet pineappley pie

 

 **peterparkour** : D:

 

 **harleyquinoa** : wait oh my god

 **harleyquinoa:** ive just had a TERRIBLE thought

 **harleyquinoa** : do u even use the credit card?

 

 **peterparkour:** well….no!

 **peterparkour:** mr. stark is just...always there. So I ask him for everything I need or use FRIDAY to order it and she approves it idk

 **peterparkour** : what DO you bill as SI expenses???

 

 **harleyquinoa:** literally everything

 **harleyquinoa** : gas

 **harleyquinoa:** groceries

 **harleyquinoa:** a birthday present for ariel but don’t tell her

 **harleyquinoa** : my AP exam costs

 **harleyquinoa** : last week I ordered a new refrigerator because I’m sick of fixing it

 

 **peterparkour:** a refrigerator!!?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** yeah

 **harleyquinoa** : it has a screen on the front door it’s pretty wicked

 **harleyquinoa:** kinda want to buy new tiles for the bathroom too

 

 **peterparkour** : oh my god

 

 **harleyquinoa:** materials, not labor. I need SOMETHING to do.

 **harleyquinoa:** surely tiling a bathroom can’t be that hard

 

 **peterparkour** : um

 

 **harleyquinoa** : what’s something that’s stupid expensive and useless, but you want it anyway

 

 **peterparkour:** new shoes?

 

 **harleyquinoa** : how is that stupid expensive or useless

 

 **peterparkour** : I already have a pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes?

 **peterparkour:** another seems redundant?

 

 **harleyquinoa** : this is becoming painful

 **harleyquinoa:** star wars

 **harleyquinoa:** u like star wars, right?

 

 **peterparkour** : yeah?

 

 **harleyquinoa** : what if you just blew a college tuitions worth of tony’s cash on a lightsaber

 **harleyquinoa** : like a REAL lightsaber

 **harleyquinoa** : a REAL REAL lightsaber

 **harleyquinoa:** that can like,, slice and dice, take down the dark order or whatever it’s called

 

 **peterparkour:** im not entirely sure those exist

 **peterpakrour** : bc mr stark would have probably bought one by now

 

 **harleyquinoa:** he likes star wars?

 

 **peterparkour:** he likes pop culture icons

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ah

 **harleyquinoa** : ok well this is better

 **harleyquinoa** : order the supplies to make a lightsaber

 **harleyquinoa:** that’s gotta be expensive as fuck

 

 **peterparkour** : if i knew how to build a real lightsaber I would have 10 by now

 **peterparkour** : spiderman’s gimmick wouldn’t be spiders

 **peterparkour:**  and he'd have the most wicked lightsaber to end All Fights

 **peterparkour:** he'd be known as the Masked Jedi

 

 **harleyquinoa:** so

 **harleyquinoa:** darth vader

 

 **peterparkour:** FUCK

 **peterparkour:** i didn’t think this through

 

 **harleyquinoa:** im telling spidey you think he’s a sith

 

 **peterparkour** : well no one else wears a mask!

 **peterparkour:** the Masked Jedi isn’t a dark force user. He’s good

 **peterparkour** : it’s a rebranding

 

 **harleyquinoa:** perfect glad that’s settled

 **harleyquinoa:** so you’re making a lightsaber?

 

 **peterparkour:** Absolutely Not.

 

 **harleyquinoa:** you’re killing me

 **harleyquinoa:** im getting force choked over here

 **harleyquinoa:** switching tactics

 **harleyquinoa** : [link]

 

 **peterparkour** : !!!!!!!

 **peterparkour:** is that for real!!!?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** an actual lightsaber prop used on the force awakens?

 **harleyquinoa** : being auctioned for sale to any commoner with a PHAT CHEQUE???

 **harleyquinoa:** you bet you’re sweet, nerdy ass

 **harleyquinoa:** tell tony you want it

 

 **peterparkour:** no

 

 **harleyquinoa:** listen to me I’m trying to teach you something

 **harleyquinoa:** the value of a Tony Stark dollar, if you will

 **harleyquinoa:** just...text him that link

 **harleyquinoa** : and see what happens

 

 **peterparkour:** …...ok?

 

 

* * *

 

_Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon (Peter + Tony) -_

 

 **peterparkour** : [link]

 

 **misterstark:** oh fuck yeah

 **misterstark** : they’re auctioning this off for real?

 **misterstark:** you gotta have it

 **misterstark:** god I love a bidding war

 **misterstark:** don’t worry kid it’s in the bag

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -_

 

 **peterparkour:** HE BOUGHT THE LIGHTSABER WHAT DO I DO

 **peterparkour:** I DIDN’T THINK HE WOULD _BUY THE LGIHTSABER_

 

 **harleyquinoa:** this is fantastic.

 

 **peterparkour** : WHAT DO I SAY TO SOMEONE WHO BOUGHT ME THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE NOVELTY ITEM

 

 **harleyquinoa:** this went exactly how I hoped

 

 **peterparkour** : DO I OFFER HIM MY KIDNEY>!???

 **peterparkour** : WE HAVE THE SAME BLOOD TYPE DOES THIS MEAN HE GETS MY KIDNEY

 

 **harleyquinoa** : probably just a smidge of your liver

 **harleyquinoa** : he might not drink anymore but he probably did irreparable damage to that thing in the 90s he’ll likely need it down the road

 

 **peterparkour** : I CAN’T BELIEVE IM GIVING MR STARK MY LIVER

 

 **harleyquinoa:** was it worth it?

 

 **peterparkour:** YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **peterparkour:**  THIS IS SO EXPENSIVE AND LITERALLY WORTH MORE THAN I AM BECAUSE I’VE SEEN THE LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES

 

 **harleyquinoa** : jesus

 

 **peterparkour:** BUT ITS THE COOLEST THING ITS THE LIGHTSABER REY USED IT WAS A SKYWALKERS IM eshkjhjhdh;d

 

 **harleyquinoa** : if you really want to flip an entire fuck

 **harleyquinoa** : ask him to help you rig it into a working lightsaber

 

 

* * *

 

_Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon (Peter + Tony) -_

 

 **peterparkour:** MR STARK CAN WE USE THE PROP TO MAKE A REAL LIGHTSABER

 **peterparkour:** LIKE A REAL REAL ONE

 **peterparkour:** THAT CAN SLICE AND DICE

 

 **misterstark** : kid why do you think I bought it for you

 **misterstark:** of course we’re gonna make it into a real lightsaber

 **misterstark** : this is me we’re talking about

 

* * *

 

 

_Chat - Tony’s Top Tier Two Faves (Peter + Harley) -_

 

 **peterparkour** : WE’RE MAKING IT INTO A REAL LIGHTSABER

 

 **harleyquinoa:** congrats on the world’s most expensive pizza cutter

 **harleyquinoa** : NOW will you use the credit card to buy pizza

 

 **peterparkour:** yeah ok

 **peterparkour:** can I still use your employee discount

 

 **harleyquinoa** : oh my god

 

 

* * *

 

_Chat - Rose Hell - (Harley + Ariel)_

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** spiderman wore a darth vader mask today

 

 **harleyquinoa** : ...huh

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : is this his supervillain origin story

 

 **harleyquinoa:**  god i hope so

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** can’t wait for iron man to kick his butt

 **thetempestmermaid:** seriously why’d he wear a darth vader mask

 

 **harleyquinoa** : didn’t you hear

 **harleyquinoa** : he’s been cast as the new vader in episode IX

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : he’s too short

 

 **harleyquinoa:**  what how can you tell

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : girl power? spatial awareness? 

 **thetempestmermaid:** his wiki?

 **thetempestmermaid** : also didn’t that dude die in like the 3rd one

 

 **harleyquinoa** : I thought it was the 6th

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** aren’t they the same thing for those movies or something

 

 **harleyquinoa** : idk

 **harleyquinoa** : I had to have the wiki up when I was talking to peter about it earlier, funny enough

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** peter likes star wars too?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** he lOVES those movies

 **harleyquinoa** : I haven’t unlocked that level of nerd

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** yes you have

 

 **harleyquinoa** : okay but I haven’t seen those movies in forever

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** right?

 **thetempestmermaid:** star trek is RIGHT THERE

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ^^^^

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : someone took an instagram video with him hold on

 **thetempestmermaid:** [link]

 **thetempestmermaid:** called himself the Masked Jedi

 **thetempestmermaid** : giving darth vader a ‘rebranding’

 **thetempestmermaid:** whatever that means

 

 **harleyquinoa** : huh

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** pretty nerdy huh

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ….yeah, pretty nerdy

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** can you bring home pizza after work

 

 **harleyquinoa** : fine no pineapple

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** yes and LOTSA pineapple

 

 **harleyquinoa:** half pineapple

 **harleyquinoa** : and I get the last mountain dew in the fridge

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** too late

 **thetempestmermaid** : :D

 

 **harleyquinoa:** so no pineapple

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : D:

 **thetempestmermaid:** but it’s my birthday….

 

 **harleyquinoa:** in 3 days

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** early birthday present

 

 **harleyquinoa:** you want pineapple for your birthday?

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : sure

 **thetempestmermaid:** its not like you were gonna get me anything else

 **thetempestmermaid** : right?

 **thetempestmermaid:** wait did you get me a present

 **thetempestmermaid** : wait no harley did you buy me a present

 

 **harleyquinoa** : can you stop texting me I’m trying to return your solid gold thor figurine

 **harleyquinoa** : the hammer is swarovski crystal

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : oh my god shut uppppppp

 **thetempestmermaid** : meat lovers, no pineapple, I keep the mountain dew and I still get my birthday present

 

 **harleyquinoa:** deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dis still dumb
> 
> also where's the fics where tony and peter build a real lightsaber like that should have been a thing by now I feel like I can't be the only person who's thought that up this can't be the first instance of it there's no way
> 
> I know it seems plot less, but like I still have a story in mind. like for reals. I've lost a little steam with this one because the chat format is becoming SO prevalent in the fandom and I don't think mine particularly stands out which isn't good because if you do a trope you gotta STAND OUT. in my opinion. I still don't know how I feel about it but I'm here. giving you content? let's see how it goes


	6. Chapter 6

 To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: [none]

[1 attachment]

Settle a bet for me. Pepper thinks I should take this seriously. I think I should blast it on the news and put it on tabloids everywhere because it’s dumb. Your vote is the tiebreaker

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: are you fucking kidding me

You got a freaky RANSOM NOTE in the MAIL threatening to crash and DESTROY your wedding with literal explosives and you don’t want to take it just a little bit seriously? Listen to Pepper.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: you’re not forehead of security

You weren’t supposed to get that email. Ignore it. Everything’s fine.

PS: I always listen to Pepper

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: what does that even mean

How do you accidentally email someone

So that means you WILL take extra security measures for your wedding?

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: it means what it means

Happy/Harley. I got things mixed up.

Also, I said I listen to her, not that I follow every single one of her instructions. I’m Iron Man. I’m all the security we need.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: happy? In association with you? what upside down world is this

Listen, I get that you’re Iron Man and this ransom note looks like it was literally cut from letters in a Cosmopolitan Magazine, but I’m begging you. Please consider bringing in some...I dunno?? Avenger Security at your wedding. Or, like, Spider-Man.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: it’s a misnomer he’s not really happy

If I tell you I’ll consider it, will you relax?

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: his NAME is happy??

Probably not.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: yeah

Honestly, kid, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like this person is gonna pull it off.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: you have weird friends

Oh really? Good to know Mister _Here’s My Malibu Address Come and Get Me._

  
-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: well, that makes you one of them

You act like that was a big deal.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: gross. I don’t want to be your friend

It’s literally how we met.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: too late

Like I said. Not a big deal.

 

-

 

To: <tstark@mit.edu>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: you’re the worst

Just for that, I’m telling Spider-Man on you.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <tstark@mit.edu>

Subject: I’ll wire you 10,000 dollars right now to shut up

Please don’t tell Spider-Man. Or Peter. Literally anyone else. Send a fucking telegram to Steve Rogers for all I care just don’t tell Spidey.

 

-

 

To: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: Iron Man’s Big Summer Wedding Blow Out!

[1 attachment]

Because Tony’s an ass and I don’t know if he’s fucking with me when he says one of the seven dwarfs is part of his security team, but I thought it might be helpful if a New York based Avenger knew that someone was trying to kill him and Miss Potts.

 

-

 

_Chat - The Adventures of IronDad and SpideySon - (Tony + Peter)_

**peterparkour:** MR STARK SOMEONE’S THREATENING YOU????

 

 **misterstark:** goddammit I hate that kid.

 **misterstark:** listen, at this rate, I’m inclined to believe it’s Harley himself.

 

 **peterparkour** : :(((((

 **peterparkour** : I’m glad he told me, this is serious!

 

 **misterstark** : I don’t even think this threat is real

 **misterstark** : I mean...have you seen it?

 **misterstark** : it’s like rhodey-grade prank

 **misterstark:** but just so your head won’t EXPLODE, I will work on getting some suits on standby to deal with any threats, got it?

 

 **peterparkour** : :(((((

 

 **misterstark:** why are you still frowning

 **misterstark** : look, I just don’t want this to be something YOU need to worry about

 **misterstark** : I want you at the wedding as Peter Parker. Spider-Man can say at home.

 

 **peterparkour** : I can be….both? I can come as peter and do spider-man stuff

 **peterparkour** : like I can for sure hannah montana this wedding

 

 **misterstark** : first of all, I want you to know how much I HATE that I understand that reference

 **misterstark** : second of all, there’s no way you can pull it off

 

 **peterparkour** : I did okay in washington!!!!!!!!

 

 **misterstark** : yeah, as Spidey.

 **misterstark** : tell me, how many questions did you answer in the competition again?

 **misterstark** : oh yeah you missed it

 

 **peterparkour** : :(((((

 

 **misterstark** : ok, I’m sorry, please stop with the frowns they’re somehow...tangible. I can feel them and see them

 **misterstark:** like my own freaky spider sense

 

 **peterparkour:** a petey sense! :D

 

 **misterstark:** we’re not calling it that

 

 **peterparkour** : :(((((

 

 **misterstark:** oh my god.

 **misterstark** : please stop

 **misterstark** : my petey sense is going haywire

 **misterstark:** I won’t have one of my groomsmen all sad

 

 **peterparkour** : whoa whoa whoa who a

 **peterparkour:** groomsmen?????

 

 **misterstark** : yeah

 **misterstark** : you rhodey and happy

 **misterstark** : the groomsmen

 

 **peterparkour:** you didn’t TELL ME

 

 **misterstark:** I’m telling you now

 

 **peterparkour** : SGHFGHLDHGKLHGD

 

 **misterstark** : are you rejecting me...or?

 

 **peterparkour** : no I’ll do it I’LL DO IT I WANNA DO IT

 **peterparkour:** THIS IS SO COOL MISTER STARK THANK YOU <3

 

 **misterstark:** for sure, kid

 **misterstark:** so, you’ll let me take care of the stupid ransom note on my own, right? You’ll stay out of it, yeah?

 

 **peterparkour:** oh absolutely not.

 **peterparkour:** i cannot be bribed

 

 **misterstark** : it wasn’t a BRIBE I want you to be a groomsman whether we get blown up or not

 

 **peterparkour:** so you admit!!!! It’s a possibility!!!!! that we get blown up!!!!

 

 **misterstark** : I said no such thing

 

 **peterparkour:** well don’t worry. Spidey’s on it.

 

 **misterstark** : god fucking dammit

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

Subject: Don’t worry!

Hey, I got your email with the freaky ransom-looking note. I’ll talk with Peter to make sure all the suit’s updates are up, he’ll get prints on the ransom note, and I’ll do some research to see if this has been done on anyone else as a prank or an actual threat before. Spidey’s on it!

 

-

 

_Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)_

**peterparkour:** fU KC I accidentally sent an email as spiderman from my gmail account to harley

 **peterparkour:** you think he’ll notice?

 

 **guyinthechair** : nah

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: ???

Spidey sent me an email...from your account? What’s going on.

 

-

 

_Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)_

**peterparkour** : HE NOTICED

 

 **guyinthechair** : yeah of course he did

 **guyinthechair** : I was lying to you

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

Subject: Whoops!

Sorry. I used Peter’s computer at Stark’s lab and didn’t log out. Phone’s broken. Don’t swing and text, ahaha

 

-

 

To: <spiderman@starkindustries.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: [none]

No worries. I’ve heard accidental emailing is pretty common.

 

-

 

_Chat - Han and Luke (Ned + Peter)_

**peterparkour:** don’t worry, I fixed it.

 **peterparkour:** I think he bought it

 **peterparkour:** well I HOPE he bought it

 **peterparkour:** oh my god what if he didn’t buy it

 

 **guyinthechair:** I don’t envy your life

 **guyinthechair:** that’s a lie, I do

 **guyinthechair** : if you ever need a spidey double call me

 

 **peterparkour** : god he’s gotta know something’s up

 **peterparkour** : but maybe not? yeah maybe not

 **peterparkour:** this is fine

 **peterparkour** : ....actually no this is not fine

 **peterparkour** : sgkhkshgkjs this is gonna blow up in my face isn’t it

 **peterparkour** : oh shit, that reminds me

 

 

_\- Chat - The Wedding Brigade -_

**peterparkour:** guys we got a situation

 

 **emjay:** if it involves you ditching decathlon practice, I’m well aware

 

 **peterparkour** : sHIT

 **peterparkour:** I am SO SORRY I’VE BEEN SO GOOD I HAVEN’T MISSED IN FOREVER I’M ON MY WAY

 **peterparkour:** wait it’s not thursday

 

 **emjay** : yeah im just messing with you

 **emjay** : what’s up

 

 **peterparkour:** we can’t wear matching tom ford suits to the wedding :((((((

 

 **emjay** : what why the fuck not

 

 **peterparkour** : because I have to wear matching suits with rhodey and happy

 **peterparkour** : we’re GROOMSMEN

 

 **guyinthechair** : WHAT THAT’S SO COOL

 

 **peterparkour** : I KNOW

 **peterparkour** : but also

 **peterparkour:** spidey told me someone’s threatening to blow up mister stark’s wedding :/

 

 **harleyquinoa:** you really should have led with that

 

 **guyinthechair:** WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 **guyinthechair:** LIKE….MANDARIN LEVEL ?

 **guyinthechair:** LIKE BLOW UP A MANSION BAD?

 

 **peterparkour:** I don’t know!

 **peterparkour:** the note was really poorly...made.

 **peterparkour** : like so so bad

 **peterparkour** : made with cut out magazine letters like a ransom note

 **peterparkour:** like if someone sent me one like that threatening to kill me or whatever I probably wouldn’t believe it

 

 **emjay** : yeah but you have no self preservation skills

 

 **harleyquinoa:** well neither does tony.

 

 **emjay** : true

 

 **guyinthechair:** what if this all part of their plan

 **guyinthechair:** they don’t want to be taken seriously

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : then why make the note at all?

 **thetempestmermaid** : why not pop out of the wedding cake with lasers all SURPRISE and kill everyone

 

 **guyinthechair** : I dunno

 **guyinthechair:** do I look like a supervillain mastermind to you?

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : yes

 

 **harleyquinoa:** yes

 

 **emjay:** yes

 

 **peterparkour:** well, no

 

 **guyinthechair** : ¾ majority rules

 **guyinthechair:** good to know I can take over the world for my own selfish desires 

 **guyinthechair** : pete, you traitor

 

 **peterparkour:** well u aren’t!!!! I would know

 

 **harleyquinoa:** why would you know?

 

 **peterparkour:** the...spidey webcam?

 **peterparkour:** in his suit

 **peterparkour:** his AI karen records all his fights

 **peterparkour:** so I’ve seen the fights up close

 

 **harleyquinoa:** ah….ok

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** webcam

 **thetempestmermaid** : hah. I get it.

 

 **emjay** : too easy

 

 **guyinthechair:** still it’s pretty funny

 

 **peterparkour:** but whatever this is, I think mister stark is inviting spidey to the wedding for security, just in case

 **peterparkour** : so it’s all good

 

 **harleyquinoa:** if you get that light saber working, I can be the extra security

 **harleyquinoa:** no spidey needed

 

 **peterparkour** : yeah we’re not doing that

 

 **harleyquinoa** : it's a GOOD plan.

 **harleyquinoa:** I've used nunchucks before

 **harleyquinoa:** same thing, yeah?

 

 **emjay:** no

 

 **guyinthechair:** if you touched it your hand would get SLICED

 **guyinthechair:** like there's CANONICAL PROOF that will happen to you

 

 **peterparkour** : also, why have you used nunchucks???

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** wait, WHEN did you use nunchucks??? I've never seen them before

 

 **harleyquinoa:** don't worry about it.

 

 **thetempestmermaid:**  hmmm

 **thetempestmermaid** : I don't like that

 

 **harleyquinoa:** look, just think. the blue of the lightsaber will match the arc reactor blue in the color scheme

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** I thought the colors were carmine and vermin or whatever

 

 **harleyquinoa:** *vermillion

 **harleyquinoa** : vermin is what we call you, ariel

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : god you suck

 

 **harleyquinoa:** anyway those colors are so 25 minutes ago

 **harleyquinoa:** because as of about 24 minutes ago, I found something better

 **harleyquinoa:** we have to scrap the red

 

 **peterparkour:**  wHOA NOW

 **peterparkour:**  I thought we were aiming for this whole iron man theme :(

 

 **harleyquinoa** : oh, we are

 **harleyquinoa** : but I got on a wedding bender on the internet.

 **harleyquinoa:**  I mean Deep into google.

 

 **emjay** : gross.

 

 **harleyquinoa:**  and I found a shop that names their own swatches for fabrics and ribbons and stuff

 **harleyquinoa:**  [link] and they have ARC REACTOR BLUE

 

 **guyinthechair:**  SHUT UP

 

 **emjay:**  oh I know that place

 **emjay:**  they have a gold that’s straight up called tony stark gold, too.

 **emjay** : it’s fucking hilarious

 

 **peterparkour** : S?KGHKRHGLHGSLKHGS KDGHS G

 **peterparkour** : oh we are CHANGING the color scheme

 **peterparkour:**  gold and blue

 

 **thetempestmermaid:**  there’s even a little glitter! :D

 

 **guyinthechair:**  do we still want little fake arc-reactor lights, or is that overkill

 **guyinthechair** : or is this all meaningless now that the wedding's gonna blow :/

 **guyinthechair:** literally :/

 

 **peterparkour:** NED

 

 **harleyquinoa:**  I'm still planning this thing.

 **harleyquinoa:** pepper and tony can break up for all I care. someone's getting married on tony's dime. 

 **harleyquinoa:** I've invested too much.

 **harleyquinoa:** but we can totally use the arc reactors for sure 

 **harleyquinoa** : we put them in the flower arrangement, but simplify our color palettes

 **harleyquinoa:**  drop the pinks and fuchsias, add a few more purples and whites

 **harleyquinoa** : orange or yellow for a pop, MAYBE

 

 **guyinthechair** : are you joanna gaines in disguise who ARE YOU

 

 **harleyquinoa:**  ...I have a lot of free time

 **harleyquinoa** : I’ll help tony fight another terrorist if it means I have something to do

 

 **emjay** : is wedding planning for the world’s most ridiculous billionaire not enough? you gotta fight his attacker too?

 

 **harleyquinoa** : honestly?

 **harleyquinoa:**  yeah

 **harleyquinoa** : I didn't realize how bored I was until I did this whole bullshitty internship

 **harleyquinoa** : there's like nothing to do here

 

 **thetempestmermaid:**  he’s right

 **thetempestmermaid:**  there’s more cows than people here

 

 **harleyquinoa** : sometimes I think the soybeans are trying to talk to me

 

 **guyinthechair** : god i wish that were me

 

 **peterparkour:** im changing my answer, ned. u have villain potential 

 **peterparkour** : that comment has some unspeakable witchy evil about it

 

 **guyinthechair:** >:D

 **guyinthechair** : does this mean I'm an official member of the Every Villain Is Lemons club?

 

 **peterparkour** : I think you beat out plankton as president 

 

 **emjay:** I don't think he wants to, their lemon logo looks like the fucking hydra emblem

 

 **peterparkour:** ALGKHGSHGESJFJALKWHFSLIDHFFJV

 **peterparkour** : OH NO IT DOES 

 **peterparkour** : I HATE THAT!!!!!

 

 **guyinthechair** : DUDE

 **guyinthechair** : what if the person who threatened mr stark is from some undead hydra circle 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** see,that's where me and the lightsaber come in

 **harleyquinoa** : I can put on the failed stealth suit and come in looking like knock off glittery darth vader and use the force to defeat evil

 **harleyquinoa:**  how hard could it be

 

 **emjay:** you'd probably die

 **emjay:** but that image is so hilarious, you get my vote. 

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : its always funny to see harley get hurt, so I vote yes too.

 

 **guyinthechair:** me three

 

 **harleyquinoa:** look at that.

 **harleyquinoa:** majority rules

 **harleyquinoa:** gimme the glow stick of death

 

 **peterparkour** : NO!!!!! no one's using a lightsaber at mister stark's wedding! 

 **peterparkour** : but harley, send me your specs for the active camouflage material.

 **peterparkour:** I have an idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I didn't update this sooner. I didn't want to. khdkhgdrh
> 
> uh, happy early birthday tempestaurora. she's been bullying me to finish this fic even though I'm meh about it. a lot of y'all also seem to like it SO FOR ALL OF YOU DARLINGS...I am going to finish it. It's actually almost done. the last few parts will have more...types of communication. I'm going to mix in things like phone calls and straight comms dialogue, and then there's going to be some actual like, regular prose at the very end. I think you'll still like it. It'll have the same dumbass humor, that's for sure LMFAO


	7. Chapter 7

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: spooderman suits

[6 attachments]

Alright, Pete, I looked over the math, I think it’s pretty sound on the active camouflage, but the problems you’re running into are probably textile synthesizing. I pulled up some alternatives including maybe some nanotech, I’m not sure if it’ll work. Have Tony help you. 

VIDEO record the files of your tests and send them please. Like purposefully. Please don’t make me hack into FRIDAY’s security cameras just to see how the suit is coming along. AGAIN.

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: spyder suit c’mon now

[3 attachments]

There. Video. Kinda hard to see though because it WORKS!!!! The active cameo finally works!!! Thanks for all your help! Spider-Man says hi, by the way. Says the suit fits great. 

Mister Stark wants to do a few more tests on the active camouflage and also. Maybe put it in archive for more dangerous stealth missions instead of having Spidey out swinging in some black...glittery suit. Which it kind of will look like in the sunlight without the activation. Anyway. He’ll be using the nanotech suit. Which looks even better now that we added the spider legs for better ground fighting.

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: spyderman security 

Wouldn’t the stealth suit be a GREAT addition as security at Tony’s wedding? Have you gotten any lead on whether or not that ransom note was like...for real

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: god i WISH

I’m working on that, believe me. Me and Spidey are teaming up to persuade him. I can’t contact like. Other Avengers because. They’re fugitives. I don’t think it’s good PR to hire a fugitive. 

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: we need captain america as a bouncer

Security people are never squeaky clean. I bet that Happy guy you talk about has definitely killed a guy. Or at least buried a body for Tony

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: we sure as hell do NOT

I don’t think he has. When you meet him, you’ll understand. Which reminds me, you do have all your tickets for your flights and all set up, correct? If they aren’t first class, let Tony know he’ll take care of it. Or send his jet.

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: happy has killed a man for SURE 

Why doesn’t he just send the stupid jet in the first place

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: he has NOT

I just asked him and his response was: “what, am I gonna park it in a corn field?”

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com>

From: <keenharley@gmail.com>

Subject: [none]

Fair enough.

See you in a month.

  
-

 

_Chat - Rose Hell - (Harley + Ariel)_

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** ive made a decision

 

 **harleyquinoa** : never a good thing with you

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** peter’s going to be my boyfriend now

 **thetempestmermaid:** he’s so cute

 **thetempestmermaid:** and he’s already my date to stark’s wedding

 **thetempestmermaid:** so we’re off to a good start and i really think this is gonna work out in my favor 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : this is a Hard No for several reasons

 **harleyquinoa** : that include: he’s too old for you 

 **harleyquinoa:** but are not limited to: the fact that he’s literally spiderman

 **harleyquinoa** : like you do know he’s spiderman right?

 **harleyquinoa** : like I don’t have to keep up this charade with you at the very least? right? please 

 **harleyquinoa** : please tell me you know he’s spiderman

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** oh for SURE

 **thetempestmermaid:** why do you think I want him to be my boyfriend 

 **thetempestmermaid** : he’s the only kid avenger 

 **thetempestmermaid:** i want that on my resume 

 **thetempestmermaid:** my stats are gonna go up

 

 **harleyquinoa:** what stats

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** idk.

 **thetempestmermaid:** stats. 

 **thetempestmermaid:** that’s a nerd term right

 

 **harleyquinoa:** god.

 **harleyquinoa:** what’s REAL nerdy is me having to go back and forth like I’m talking to separate people when I know it’s a two for one deal.

 **harleyquinoa:** the things I do for super teens and their secret alter egos 

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** be nice

 **thetempestmermaid:** my future boyfriend has a lot on his plate ok

 

 **harleyquinoa** : ariel you can’t date spiderman/peter

 **harleyquinoa** : spider-peter?

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** peter-man?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** you can’t date peter-man

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : um and why not????

 

 **harleyquinoa** : see previous messages??? also because I said so???

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : you’re not the boss of me????

 **thetempestmermaid** : why do you hate LOVE harley 

 **thetempestmermaid:** you’re planning a wedding for christ’s sake

 

 **harleyquinoa:** oh shit that reminds me

 

 

 -

 

To: <pepperpotts@starkindustries.com> 

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: dress fitting 

Please don’t kill me Miss Potts Ma’am but I rescheduled your dress fitting for next Friday at 3pm. You don’t have to wait around the office this Friday, no one’s coming up. 

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <pepperpotts@starkindustries.com> 

Subject: dress fitting

That would be fine except that I got an angry call from the original designer I booked saying, and I quote, “You and your southern redneck of an assistant are gonna regret firing me when you walk down the aisle in some trash bag excuse of a gown.” 

Harley, the wedding is in about a month. Are you sure about this short notice dress switch? It’s hard to get one made so quickly, you know.

 

-

 

To: <pepperpotts@starkindustries.com> 

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: dress fitting

[1 attachment]

That’s ridiculous I did NOT have a redneck accent I SPECIFICALLY used southern tidewater to sound as sophisticated as possible. 

Anyway, this isn’t a loss. I did my research and trust me: Min-Seo is definitely the route we want to go. I’ve been back and forth with her for months as a secondary designer just in case your choice tanked it. She’s got a brand new dress which I attached, and it’s already made. Bottom line is that Marco hack was. A hack. He doesn’t have your vision. Or knows how to use lace to its full potential. 

 

-

 

To: <keenharley@gmail.com>

From: <pepperpotts@starkindustries.com> 

Subject: dress fitting

I don’t really recall having a vision.

….But that dress is rather nice.

 

-

 

To: <pepperpotts@starkindustries.com> 

From: <keenharley@gmail.com> 

Subject: dress fitting 

See!? Obviously, a vision has been assigned to you. Trust me, it’s gonna work.

 

 -

 

_Group Chat: Wedding Brigade_

 

 **emjay** : harley the florist called me when they couldn’t get a hold of you 

 **emjay:** something about a last minute switch from roses to gardenias? And doubling the amount?

 

 **harleyquinoa:** oh yeah. they can do the switch? awesome

 **harleyquinoa** : I want this wedding to be so fragrant it’s an ad for a new perfume

 

 **peterparkour** : sounds like you’ll certainly get your wish 

 

 **emjay:** why the switch

 

 **harleyquinoa:** technically?

 **harleyquinoa:** olfactory senses and its proximity to the limbic system in the brain

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** translation

 

 **harleyquinoa:** flowers smell Gud make Happy Memory 

 

 **emjay** : nerd

 **emjay** : anyway the upcharge was insanely unfair. they must know its stark

 **emjay** : I’m afraid to type it out again on account of looking at the invoice alone gave me a stroke 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : it’s a good thing it isn’t my money.

 

 **emjay** : i’ll say 

 **emjay:** weddings are so expensive remind me to get married in a court 

 **emjay** : or vegas or something

 

 **guyinthechair** : mj if you could have any celebrity impersonator officiate your vegas wedding who would it be

 

 **emjay** : dolly parton drag queen, next question

 

 **peterparkour** : skjgjsjkskjgkh

 

 **harleyquinoa:** the CORRECT choice tbh

 **harleyquinoa** : that or cher

 

 **emjay** : ^^^

 **emjay:** ned probably wants princess leia in her ridiculous bikini outfit 

 

 **guyinthechair:** how dare you 

 **guyinthechair:** the new hope cinnamon bun hair rolls leia is the superior leia 

 **guyinthechair:** anyway if any star wars impersonator married me it better be chewie 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : how would you…..understand him

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** that’s your biggest concern???

 **thetempestmermaid:** not that he wants literal BigFoot to be his ordained minister?

 

 **peterparkour:** wait hold up

 **peterparkour:** do you think chewie was based off bigfoot 

 

 **guyinthechair** : literally how could he not be

 

 **emjay** : so ned wants an actual cryptid to officiate his wedding

 **emjay:** glad we’ve settled that

 

 **guyinthechair:** it would be memorable that’s for sure 

 

 **peterparkour** : do you think there are avenger impersonators in vegas

 **peterparkour:** like do you think some dude dressed as t’challa marries drunk people for a living

 

 **emjay:** i believe there’s some guy in a giant cat suit marrying people somewhere in vegas, yes

 

 **peterparkour:** gross 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** blocked 

 

 **guyinthechair:** if you could have any avenger officiate your wedding who would it be

 

 **peterparkour** : like an actual avenger or an impersonator

 

 **guyinthechair** : how about you’re getting married to an actual avenger but the officiate is an impersonator.

 

 **peterparkour:** marry thor, get married by fake black widow

 

 **emjay** : that was frighteningly fast 

 

 **guyinthechair** : i don’t blame him

 

 **harleyquinoa:** what about spiderman

 

 **peterparkour:** what about him??

 

 **harleyquinoa** : you wouldn’t want to marry spiderman?

 

 **peterparkour:** i mean,,,,no

 **peterparkour:** we work together, that’s pretty weird 

 **peterparkour:** do

 **peterparkour:** would you marry spiderman?

 

 **harleyquinoa** : no 

 **harleyquinoa:** don't tell him but he seems kinda lame

 

 **peterparkour:** oh 

 

 **emjay** : jdhfkjshdkhsk

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : I want to marry spiderman

 

 **harleyquinoa:** yes ariel i know

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : i want to marry real spiderman and then have fake spiderman officiate the wedding

 **thetempestmermaid:** double spidey 

 

 **emjay** : what if stark got married by his own impersonator 

 

 **peterparkour** : SKDGKDSHGKSHGKSHKDHSGHKLS

 

 **guyinthechair** : oh my GOD~!!!!!!!!!

 

 **harleyquinoa** : I can DEFINITELY make that happen 

 

 **peterparkour** : what!! no!!!!!!!

 **peterparkour** : we can’t do that to mister stark!

 

 **harleyquinoa** : he tricked us into planning the whole wedding

 **harleyquinoa** : we can do whatever we want 

 

 **peterparkour** : this isn’t just mister stark’s wedding, it’s miss potts’ wedding too!!!

 

 **harleyquinoa** : she’ll love it

 **harleyquinoa:** she’s marrying tony cause she loves him or whatever right

 **harleyquinoa:** think of it like a bogo sale 

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** oh my god harley shut up ajhgksjghk

 

 **harleyquinoa** : look the wedding is going to be beautiful and perfect with arc reactor blues and tony stark golds and enough freesias to start a celebrity perfume campaign

 **harleyquinoa** : I think we’re allotted one (1) harmless shenanigan 

 

 **peterparkour:** this isn’t harmless 

 

 **emjay:** considering all that’s right and wrong in the world, I’d say it’s pretty harmless

 

 **peterparkour** : okay WELL when you put it on THAT BIG A SCALE along with CLIMATE CRISIS and FOOD INSECURITY and whatnot

 

 **emjay:** nice buzzwords 

 

 **peterparkour** : yeah, i guess it’s not that big a deal. but in the wedding circle fucking with the officiate is a huge no-no 

 **peterparkour** : right up there next to like. Losing the rings. Or. recreating the hangover movie at the stag party 

 

 **guyinthechair** : you’ve seen the hangover?

 

 **peterparkour:** ive not

 **peterparkour** : im assuming that’s what it’s about tho right 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** idk

 **harleyquinoa:** what are you guys doing for the stag party anyway

 

 **peterparkour:** what do you mean

 

 **harleyquinoa:** well, you’re in the grooms party. So. that means you get to go

 

 **peterparkour** : I don’t think that it does

 **peterparkour:** there won’t be anything for me to do. I don’t think they’ll be doing anything. Rated PG.

 

 **guyinthechair** : mister stark still hasn’t upgraded you to PG-13?

 

 **peterparkour:** no :((((

 

 **harleyquinoa** : look I’ll bet the new washer dryer I just bought on tony’s dime that he’s made rhodey plan the stag party to include you 

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : is THAT what’s been sitting in the driveway all day?

 **thetempestmermaid** : dude katie said they dropped it off this morning while we were at school

 **thetempestmermaid:** you didn’t buy set up service??

 

 **harleyquinoa:** oh shit i didn’t?

 **harleyquinoa:** fuck

 **harleyquinoa:** well we can bring it in when I get off work 

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** with what??? we don’t have a trolley. Or a mule.

 

 **harleyquinoa** : we have a you

 **harleyquinoa** : get swole ariel 

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : peter call spiderman and ask him to move the washer and dryer 

 **thetempestmermaid** : i bet he can lift it with one hand

 

 **peterparkour:** he can

 

 **harleyquinoa** : oh yeah?

 **harleyquinoa** : so you’ve seen him complete this task 

 

 **peterparkour:** not exactly

 **peterparkour** : but ive seen him save one of those grand pianos from falling while they’re lifting it to some absurd penthouse 

 

 **emjay** : stark’s penthouse?

 

 **peterparkour** : i can neither confirm nor deny 

 

 **guyinthechair:** so yes 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** well its a good thing a piano isn’t a washer and a dryer 

 **harleyquinoa** : it’s gonna work out, we’ll get in the house

 **harleyquinoa** : I’ll book the tony stark impersonator 

 

 **peterparkour** : DON’T

 

 **emjay** : do 

 

 **guyinthechair:** yes do

 **guyinthechair** : throw in a thor and a steve rogers look alike too

 

 **harleyquinoa** : right so I’ll book an entire team of avengers look alikes for the Laughs-

 

 **peterparkour** : DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **harleyquinoa:** and peter will go to his little stag party and see things he probably shouldn’t be seeing. Everything works out they way its destined.

 

 **peterparkour** : jokes aside I REALLY don’t think im going guys

 

 **harleyquinoa:** peter go ask the colonel i promise ur going 

 

 **peterparkour** : i can’t just ask him that’s like inviting myself 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : oh my god just do it 

 

-

 

To: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: stag party 

Hey Colonel Rhodes! I’ve been doing some wedding planning with my friends, trying to work out schedules, and they wanted me to check where you will be taking Mister Stark out for his stag party? If you’re even having one of those? And I’m supposed to ask...if I’m included?

Thanks!

Peter 

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

From: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

Subject: tony sucks

I’m sorry Tony has been keeping you in the dark about everything. There is a stag party, I’m handling it, and in case this wasn’t clear, you’re definitely invited. Whether you emailed me or not kid, you were always invited

 

-

 

To: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: mister stark doesn’t suck!

That’s so nice of you Colonel, thank you! But you really don’t have to, I’d understand. I’m pretty sure these things include stuff like drinking and gambling and I can’t do...either, so if that’s the case I can totally not go.

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

From: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

Subject: I’ve known him longer. Trust me. He sucks. 

Tony’s been sober for longer than I could have ever hoped, and he doesn’t really gamble, so you don’t have to worry about it. I’m still working out the details but I was instructed to keep it strictly PG, so you’re in the clear. I’ll have a Capri Sun on standby for you.

 

-

 

To: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

From: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

Subject: strawberry kiwi, please

I know that was a joke but…I wouldn’t mind Capri Suns. 

 

-

 

To: <peterparker02@gmail.com> 

From: <WARMACHINEROX@yahoo.com> 

Subject: can do

This is already going to be the lamest party ever. I can’t wait.

 

-

 

_Group Chat: Wedding Brigade_

 

 **peterparkour:** okay harley was right

 **peterparkour** : im going to the stag party 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** of course im right im always right 

 

 **guyinthechair** : :OOOOOOOO

 **guyinthechair:** you get to party with iron man AND war machine

 **guyinthechair** : the stories you’ll have 

 

 **peterparkour** : im not sure that’ll be true

 **peterparkour** : ive been promised PG entertainment and juice boxes SO

 

 **emjay** : honestly that sounds way more fun than some alcohol fueled nightmare 

 **emjay:** hope its rad as hell 

 

 **harleyquinoa:** I have ideas to make it PG 13

 **harleyquinoa:** if you’re not a wuss about the light saber 

 

 **peterparkour:** ENOUGH with the light saber!!!!!!

 

 **guyinthechair** : are you aware of who you’re talking to? I’ll never shut up.

 **guyinthechair:** do you have it working yet?

 

 **peterparkour** : almost. 

 **peterparkour** : but im afraid of what will happen once I do. 

 **peterparkour:** some sort of opening of pandora’s box maybe 

 

 **emjay** : can i borrow it

 

 **peterparkour** : why do YOU want it

 

 **emjay** : ...stuff 

 

 **guyinthechair** : every villain is lemons 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : i think mj’s gonna kill a man

 

 **emjay:** okay I want to make the swoosh noise you happy

 

 **guyinthechair** : we ALL want to make the swoosh noise 

 

 **peterparkour** : im regretting this a little bit

 **peterparkour** : is this what frankenstein felt about his own creation 

 

 **harleyquinoa** : you’ll never know until you give it life

 **harleyquinoa** : I call first dibs

 

 **peterparkour:** I hope your flight gets canceled 

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** :(

 

 **peterparkour** : not you ariel! You’re much better than your brother!

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** :D

 

-

 

_Chat - Rose Hell (Harley + Ariel) -_

 

 **harleyquinoa:** stop it.

 

 **thetempestmermaid** : whatever do you mean

 

 **harleyquinoa** : ariel.

 

 **thetempestmermaid:** he WILL be my boyfriend

 **thetempestmermaid** : him or spiderman whichever identity caves FIRST 

  
**harleyquinoa** : oh my god.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i should have changed usernames for different chats forever ago. oh well. its probably less confusing this way. I do the big spaces to help you keep track of who is saying what. I know it's not exactly true to electronic format, but the most important part I think is that it's easy for you to read. I hope you agree.  
> 2\. sorry this took forever. every time I tried to update it I was struck by lightning. im dead now. hope its worth it.  
> 3\. if you read this fic ur legally obligated to go read my other story Excalibur please and thank you.
> 
> uh. yeah.

**Author's Note:**

> in my heart I feel like tony would *have* a work email at stark industries but using it would require....looking at work emails so he just used his old MIT one when he needs to. because work avoidance 
> 
> harley's mom is katie and his sister is ariel, if that wasn't obvious


End file.
